Park Avenue Leads To Skid Row
Feeling: Sore

I have hurt my neck and it's driving me mad! I am not sure if I slept wrong or what but it has hurt for days now. I figure it wil go away, it is probably brought on by pent up anger and agression, maybe I just need a new tattoo. I love to get tattooed because it is a good way to just bond with the pain and get some of that angry shit out of my system. You have to sit so still and just grin and bear it and eventually you reach sort of a Zen like state and can see things more clearly. I figure it is safer than at home self mutilation and you get something so much prettier than a scar, unless you get artistic with the self-cutting, but I don't know anyone who does.
We did our pumpkins today, mine is really pretty, i used this kit with these little jewel things you use and it has a face and stars all around it with these little jewels in the middle. The light shines through the jewels and shows throught the scraped stars and it is really nice. Conner used a similar thing, but his had these lite-brite type pegs you hammered into it. Chuck went more traditional with just a cut out face, but it looks eerily like his dad so that was fun. Mom did a spider pattern on hers that was going to have the jewels, but she ended up just cutting them out.
I think they may fire me at work and are just keeping me until they get this new guy trained. John (my sort of supervisor) told me that the other supervisors didn't think I stayed busy enough. I don't know why since I am constantly filing and making calls and stuff, but he said I was "unavailable" on my phone too much. There isn't that much stuff to do there except file and make A/R calls, which I haven't been trained on yet, but I have been unavailable a lot going to watch other people work. So I quit being unavailable like, ever, and then the big boss came out and told me to go unavailable after I do a rental so I can finish it up. I mentioned the chat John had had with me and he said to do it anyway. Well they started interviewing people and finally hired one, but then I hear one of the other girls saying to Dena (the female boss) "you're firing her, did you hire someone else, oh yes, I got an email about that" I am freaking out since Chuck isn't working and I know we are going to be homeless again. Hopefully I am just paranoid, but it is a possibility. I don't figure they would still be on my ass if they were going to fire me, because what's the point? But some places are weird like that.
I don't really want to work anyway, but I don't want to be broke either. I really like this job too, which is probably a guarantee that I won't get to keep it.
Everything else is pretty okay, I guess I don't really need the house to be all that clean and good smelling. It can be messy and catshit scented because I am never here anyway. I refuse to bitch about it anymore, I will just live in filth and try to be happy about it.
WooHoo, I love it when the cat box overflows!!! See, my attitude is already improving. I am gonna go try to wade thru the debris and change my clothes if I can find some clean ones.
Ciao!

Rachel posted this at 6:02 PM

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Buckle Up, Baby, It's a Bumpy Ride
Feeling: Like A Rock Star

I don't know what is wrong with me today, I just wanna fuckin make some noise. I want to fuck shit up. I have PMS and the accompanying MANIA so I just want to screw strangers and take drugs and make myself bleed. I will probably just fuck my husband into a coma instead, but maybe I will get to smoke some weed and chill out. The day has just drug on and on and on. I think it it because being at work when I am manic makes me feel a little claustrophobic or something. I am always so afraid I am going to do or say something out of line. At least I am aware of actually being out of line now, so the meds do help a bit. But it is a little too conservative here, and I wanna scream and kick the walls!
Enough of my manic ranting....
I am going to make another Fairy Frock tonight, if I am not too tired. I have the Winter and Fall one finished and am going to make the Spring and Summer ones. They are SO pretty, i think I am gonna post pix of them even tho no one asked to see them. I will get right on that when I get home.
Well Conner had his first Parent-Teacher conference since I had to pull him out of school last year. Seems he is doing well, and I didn't fuck him up forever by homeschooling him for awhile. Actually he is better off than most kids in his class since I went a little overboard with the homeschool thing.
Chuck and I are still okay, I am a bit irritated, but I guess it is something all marrieds go thru and better times will come. I hate to bitch about him all the time, but I can't bitch to him, mostly because I don't wanna hurt his feelings and have a big fight. I hate to fight with him cause I love him. We are in it together, better or worse and hopefully this is as "worse" as it gets, or something like that. I am going home now.
Ciao!

Rachel posted this at 6:49 PM

Monday, October 21, 2002

You Taste Like Honey
Feeling: Better than before

Well, things are a little better around here. Chuck is going to work in the morning! It migth not be permanent full time, but at least he will be making a little cash. We are getting along a little better, and it really has nothing to do with the whole work thing. I finally had 2 days off in a row and got some rest. I have been doing some crafts too, and if someone really wants to see my handmade fairy frocks, email me and ask and I will post some pix on the picture page.
SO things are more relaxed, and Mycle came over and got us stoned and Chuck and I had really hot sex two nights in a row. It was that kind of moany, back breaking, never-been-so-good-ever, that can make me re-evaluate my life kind of sex. My sister-in-law came over and brougth us dinner, since she had cooked and her husband had refused to eat it, so we got it. BBQ chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and hot rolls-MMM! It was so good. Conner will eat just about anything if you slather it in BBQ sauce, so he was a happy kiddo too.
Well, I am gonna go spend some time with Chuck while I still like him,
Ciao Bellas

Rachel posted this at 7:10 PM

Saturday, October 19, 2002

I Feel Stupid
Feeling: Unresolved

Well, I didn't end up talking to him. When I got home he was sitting in his chair, looking at his lap. The house was all clean and he had done laundry. He had gotten a letter from the Child Support place about his son, and was completely overreacting, saying he was going to have to leave town, etc. because they wanted to take him to jail. They typically don't ask for an appointment to take you to jail. Usually, they just want to chat with you about some payment options. I personally think getting a job and paying the support is easier than leaving town, but that's just me. Anyway, I didn't want to kick him while he was down (Not that he had any trouble doing that to me.) so I am going to wait. I think maybe he reads this when he is at home. I don't care, if he reads it and it gets him off his ass and into a job, the happier I will be. I love him, with all of my heart and I don't want us to end because of this silly shit. If I wanted it to end over something, it probably would have been that whole he fucked a crackwhore thing. So, I will stick it out, but I want to see some effort on his part. I was so happy he had cleaned I could have danced for joy.
The house was so clean and the laundry so hung up, that I was even in the mood for a little lovin' last night. It was fun and sweet and silly and nice.
It sort of reminded me why I love him.
I had missed that.
They are going to turn off my cable tomorrow. I guess I don't care really, but some part of me will really miss it. Maybe I can work something out with them about it. I hope so.
Well, I guess I should get to work doing something here since right now I am getting paid to update my blog.
Ciao Bellas

Rachel posted this at 7:01 AM

Friday, October 18, 2002

And I'm a Little Bit Angry
Feeling: Pissed Off

Okay, I really need to rant.
My husband does not have a job. This isn't the first time we have had this particular problem, but it is the first time I have supported a man who willingly and knowingly snuck around behind my back and lied to me repeatedly for months on end and fucked a crackwhore and left me with no money and no food and probably still hasn't been completely honest about it. I am not going to do this. I am going to tell him to either work or hit the road. I really want to be a stand by your man kind of wife, but he did all those things during a very difficult time in my life. As a matter of fact, while I was out of town to bury my sweet beloved grandma, he was screwing that whore in my bed!!! I was a total mess and he was busy spending time with her. I am really angry with him and I no longer wish to provide him with food and cigarettes while my son has to eat at the nasty community kitchen. I can't even afford to buy myself some knee-high hose that don't fall down around my ankles because they are so old and stretched out. I am sick of stressing that I am going to have to go to work without cigarettes because he had sat on his ass watching Little House On The Prairie reruns and sucking down a pack and a half a day. I don't want to work all day, come home and clean the house he has been in all day and then provide him with a lengthy sexual experience. Frankly, I am so angry right now, we haven't fucked in days. I am not interested in it at all. I am going to do something about it today! I am at the end of my rope and I can't keep pampering someone who would do something that horrible to me. This is it, I will let you know what happens.
Ciao

Rachel posted this at 8:02 AM

I Gotta Find Some Liquid Sunshine
Feeling: Groggy

An early morning today. At work at 7:30 am. Until 5 I love these 9 hour days

All of my fears about coming back to Bloomington came true yesterday when I not only had to go to the food bank, but we had to eat at the Community Kitchen. There's nothing more appetizing than sharing your table with a louse infected drag queen with bad table manners. I am not completely sure about the lice, but the other issues I am confident about. It is hard enough to choke down some dry, hard macaroni with a little skin-still-on-it tuna, but to have to watch some scary man in culottes blow his nose while you are eating it was almost entirely too much. At least we weren't hungry though, and we got enough carry-out meals to ensure we won't have to go back until late next week if you count the times we will eat with mom and the goodies we got from the bank. You don't get as much stuff here as you did in Ft. Wayne. It wouldn't be an issue except you get less here and you get a lot of hippie health food, because of the big fundamentalist vegan contingency here. I think they figure that if you can't afford to eat, they can just push their views on you. I am all for vegetarianism, but I am not one. I like meat in almost all of it's forms. But I respect people who don't. I just don't want it pushed on me. Would it kill them to throw in a pound of cheap hamburger with my free cous cous and hummus? I realize I am looking the gift horse in the mouth, but I really hate hummus.
I am having some mental issues again. I wonder how long it will be until Chuck decides to find the crackwhore of his dreams and run away. The fact that I have to take medication everyday just to function in my crappy shitty life should tell me something. I don't know what to do, I will probably just do nothing and hope that things just get better after time. Not that I really expect them to.
Well, it looks like it's going to be another super strange nothing normal on the phone day. Between the girl who has no idea where she lives and the guy who drives a truck and doesn't quite grasp the self-storage concept, it is gonna be a long strange trip today. I guess I will get busy.
Until the next crisis...Ciao!

Rachel posted this at 6:49 AM

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

I Can't Stay On Your Morphine, 'Cause It's Makin' Me Itch
Feeling:Wired

I love caffeine!
I have had about 4 cups of coffee. I could probably run a mile right now. So, I have determined that nobdy ever views my journal, but I guess it will take some time for me to develop the following that say, Emmeke has. I am trying to get myself out there tho' so look for me peddling my daily angst at a store near you!
The home situation isn't any better really, but I am not complaining about it anymore. I will just do what needs to be done and that will be the end of it. I came home the other night after a 9 hour day and finished the laundry, scooped the catbox, did the dishes and cooked supper. I then passed out on the couch at 9pm and got up and went to bed at midnight. I was worn out. It reminded me of my single-mom days. I really miss being home with my boy, but we will be okay.
Chuck still hasn't found work, of course he isn't really looking. Thankfully, my job is so great. I was the top salesperson two days running, so not only do I like the job, the job likes me. The pay is crap and the hours generally suck, but they are pretty easy to deal with if I need a day off. I had to request Halloween off since I am throwing a party for Conner and his friends and it was no problem whatsoever.
Today was a weird day. No one wanted anything simple like renting a space or making a payment. They all wanted odd shit like refunds and locks cut and transfers. I wouldn't have been suprised if someone had asked me how many dwarves would fit in a 10x10 space,
My mother rocks!!! She made me oatmeal cookies yesterday, since I was having some sort of killer craving for them. Then tonight she gave me my great-grandmother's Muskrat Fur Stole. It is so fabulous, in a drag-queen diva way! I am going to wear it with my black velvet dress and smoke out of my long black cigarette holder and call everyone "dahhlling". I want to be Karen from Will & Grace when I grow up. Speaking of growing up, it is 1 month until the dreaded big 3-0! Why I am stressing I couldn't tell you, but I am. I can't do anything about it, and it seems so stupid, but I do not wanna turn 30. I may take to my bed. Or I may do something equally as irrational and try to spend my entire birthday week paycheck on something glam and Prada. Black leather bag prehaps? For that price I could get that couch I want tho. Choices, Choices!!I will should probably do the practical thing and pay bills with it, but I need to do at least one more outrageous stupid thing before I have to be an adult.
ANyone got any ideas on how to spend my birthday week paycheck (about $700)? Email me and let me know!
Ciao Bellas

Rachel posted this at 11:19 PM

Friday, October 11, 2002

Screaming Once More


Well, it all turned out pretty much the way I thought it would. I go to work day in and day out and Chuck sits on his hiney and doesn't do anything. The laundry is piling up and the house had become the cat shit palace and he hasn't applied for any jobs and I am too tired to do a bunch of housework for a perfectly able bodied man when I get home. I hate my fucking life. I think I may solve it for only $124. That is the going rate of a divorce in Bloomington.
Today at work, my boss came over and asked me if when I went home for lunch (which I don't) I put on a bunch of perfume (Which I don't) and said that someone had complained that I was aggravating their allergies. I am assuming it is the Bath and Body Works hand creme I was using, but lots of other people in the office use scented hand creme, so maybe someone is allergic to me. It was a little embarrassing though. I think the complainer was Allie, who doesn't seem to like me much anyway. Then again, she is a fat lump of a thing with no chin and eye bags. I wonder if I complain that looking at her makes me ill they will say anything to her. She is honestly the ugliest human being I have ever seen. She seems nice tho', just horrible looking and maybe alleric to me.
I had sex with a gay man. My bestest friend Mycle wanted to try it out, so I did and it worked. I am the shit. It was surprisingly good, and not even close to the awkward bizarre mess i expected when the idea was first introduced to me by my adoring spouse. We sort of swing sometimes, tho after the affair I am not really into it anymore. But this was kind of nice, in a friendly longhaired sexual thing. I didn't make him straight, but I guess I expanded his options anyway.
Well, i am going to go hang the laundry now and fall into bed so I can get up and work at 8 in the morning.

I got business cards with my name on them today!

Rachel posted this at 9:11 PM

Sunday, October 06, 2002

You are a siren.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox



Rachel posted this at 7:22 PM

Your magical style is Faery.

What type of Magic do you work?. Take the Magical Style Quiz by Paradox



Rachel posted this at 7:16 PM

I thought Anti-Drepressents were supposed to make you feel BETTER

I slept all freaking day today. It seems I forgot to take my happy little Zoloft pill yesterday, so I have been plagued with the associated fatigue and spinny dizzy spells. It is a bit like being drunk, especially when I close my eyes. I guess it is my own fault since it was my dumb ass that forgot to pop the pill. It is a good thing it wasn't birth control or anything. I don't really have anyhting to write about since I slept through anything that could have been exciting. I did get whatever horrible dead thing smell out of my house, at least temporarily. I still don't know what it was, but it smells better in here. The house never stunk when I was home all day.
Well, bye.

Rachel posted this at 5:42 PM

Saturday, October 05, 2002

Kudos to me, since I managed to put on a new template for the first time with very little problem!
I had never done it before, but I found some awesome ones and wanted to give them a shot. I also got my pic and profile page set up, although it needs bunches more work and I am trying to get the links thing going on, but I don't really have that much crap to put on here yet, so please be patient. Most of the little spaces are gonna be blank for awhile.
Shit is not too bad for now, the job thing had me down for awhile, but I think I got it worked out. Those hours aren't really horrible and I can do it. Conner isn't mad at me, and let's face it, the husband is happy as long as I am working.
Well, this is brief since mom is whipping up a lasagna and a couple of pies. Makes me wonder why I am fat!
Ciao Bellas

Rachel posted this at 6:21 PM

Friday, October 04, 2002

Yet another in a long line of disappointments:

So, my 7am to 3pm job has become a 10-6:30 or 12-9pm job. I know it is a case of them telling me that I could get the schedule I wanted then getting me into the job and friendly with the people and then screwing right up the bum! I also don't get 2 days off in a row like they told me, rather Sunday and Thursday. Yeah!!! I can't wait until that goes into effect and I can spend my only weekday off running and doing all the things the family needs done, like go to the Food Bank, and get Medicad re-set-up, and make sure everything else is done so we don't go without. I can't quit the job because my husband isn't currently searching for one (well, he did put in one application on Tuesday, but Pizza Hut wasn't really hiring anyway.) It would be nice if he would take the bus down to the food bank and pick up something for our tummies and maybe get out of bed and find a job, but he won't, so I am just going to have to do it. I guess that since I managed to support me and Conner and my cousin when he was having his affair and giving all his money to the crackwhore (who REALLY WAS a crackwhore, her boyfriend pimped her to black guys for crack!) I can do it now, however it would be easier if it was just me and Conner. It would be a savings of $20 a week for cigarettes alone! And maybe I would be able to have a glass of soda when I got home after work, instead of shitty Cherry Kool-Aid. (Don't kid yourself into thinking it is the actual brand name item tho) Maybe I will take my big $171.00 check and file for divorce on monday. I would if I didn't have to pay the phone bill-oh well, maybe next week!
Well, I am off to try to put something in our tummies without having to beg food off my mom

Rachel posted this at 5:26 PM

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

Well, aren't I special???

© What's your Inner Goddess Color?? © Jen

The RAINBOW Goddess represents all aspects of the color spectrum.
Those who are Rainbowed have the deepest
significance to people throughout all the phases of their life.
They have more influence on those around them then one can possibly imagine.
They often help others by strengthening, soothing and inspiring them.


Rachel posted this at 10:03 PM

Well, I thought I had strep throat, but I don't
I had to go to the doctor today, and I really hate my new doctor's office. It is a huge building with all this new protocol that they just expect you to know about. You have to go to 2 different desks before you are allowed to go to your doctor's front desk, and then you get to wait for an hour and then they send you to the lab and you get to wait some more. The actual Dr. isn't too bad, but I have only met him in passing on my way to see the nurse practitioner. She is also very nice, but seems sort of pre-occupied with giving me a pap test. It hasn't even been a year since my last one. Every time I see her though, it is "So, do you want me to give you a pap today?" It kind of creeps me out.
I called off work today too. I felt kind of bad doing it, but I had a high fever and the complimentary chills and aches that come with it and didn't feel like sharing it with my lovely new co-workers. I like my job okay now. It seems pretty interesting and may be somewhere I can stay for awhile.
My husband did not get his hot new mad cash job. Seems they found out about the forged GED transcript. Oh well, I guess you can't lose what you never have. He will find something else. He is sad tho' since he really wants to be the big breadwinner of the household.
The newest member of the kitty crew is coming along nicely. I know I promised an update forever ago, but I forgot cause I am retarded sometimes. Turns out She is a girl, so we named her Olivia, or Ollie for short. She is a monster at the food dish and will take off a finger for some chicken soup. We now refer to that food item as "liquid bird". Mostly she sleeps on my husbands crotch (apparently it is very warm there).and she is very happy and healthy now.
Okay, for the obsessive section of todays update:
We went to a much smaller town just south of Bloomington on Saturday and ate dinner at a restaurant with a killer amish buffet. My husband was looking particularly good that day and the waitress was almost drooling over him, and not even being subtle. I was so pissed. I truly wanted to claw her fucking eyes out of her face. It was over pretty quickly once I realized that I have him and she doesn't, but it was kind of freaky nevertheless. I was never really very possesive until the whole affair happened and now I just want to kill any woman who checks him out. I think it is because the whole thing with Tena started when she asked if he would be willing to fuck around on his wife, and that was all it took. So now I know that it is possible for a chick that wants him, to get him, and I obsess about it. It doesn't help that he is a hottie and smooth with the chicks and easily manipulated with low self esteem. He is a walking affair about to happen. I will kill someone over it eventually, and then you all can read my "live from prison" journal.
Well, i hope this huge update makes up for my blowing off my blog for a few days.
Ciao!

Rachel posted this at 9:31 PM