You know gray is my favorite color
Feeling: Glittery

The quote up above does not pertain to my hair color, however, and was an unwelcome surprise in my lovely 'do when I noticed my very first gray hair on Wednesday. I cried and was despondent and then realized that I havent seen my natural haircolor for years, why should I even worry about a single gray one that hapened to arrive just as my hair had a bit more regrowth than usual. Funny how I never looked until after the big 3-0.
I am going to do something, I am so sick of being bored and unsatisfied with my life, that I am going to have to start living again. I was never a big sad sack always whining about everything, but something bad happened inside me when everything piled up in 2001. I think maybe grief did something silly to me. I was grieving for my grandma and my marriage and my job and I lost myself so bad that eventually I was just grieving for the me that used to be. I am getting better tho. In 8 days my husband will have been home for a year. It has been really hard on both of us this year, I am bitter and angry and unforgiving and he is guilt-ridden and regularly punished for his misdeeds. I have to let it go if he and I are going to make this work. I am not saying it is all okay, but I am going to try to get through it instead of just staying in the middle of it.
I am ready to be a glam-fabulous diva with lots of hot little guy elves clamoring around my feet, waiting for me to throw them a bone. I want my husband to be famous just for being married to me. I want to throw the best parties and never miss a Saturday night out. I want girlfriends and gayfriends and a support system. I want to go to New York for a weekend just because I haven't been there yet. I want to open my own club and make it an exclusive hot spot, just because I hate the scene at most of the other bars here in town.
I need to make money, lots of money and I need to learn how to be a fundraiser for me. I don't want to take on another job, because that will bite into my soon to be busy social schedule, so I am going to have to make the hubby get a job. He needs one anyway because he is not happy being my wife, he wants to be the big breadwinning manly man and I really want to be the lovey housekeeping, kid raising, cocktail party hostessing, glam goddess that keeps him warm all night. We just haven't been able to find our places yet. Some adjustment is going to be necessary to make my dreams come true but it has to be done. I could keep my job, now that I finally got the good early morning hours, and when he was working I could use my money for my clothes, hair, fabulous goodies, entertainment fund, etc. I need to have at least one reason to wear a formal gown this year, and I refuse to be anyone's bridesmaid, I didn't make anyone wear an ugly dress, so it's not like I owe anyone the favor. So basically, I need to go to a benefit or a ball or the grocery as a crazy lady.
I am also really super manic right now, as you may have guessed by my frantic plan making/self-makeover/total life revisioning plan. But that isn't the only thing that is inspiring me. There is a 24 year old girl I work with, who is such a glam doll. She lives on her own terms and makes her rules and thinks nothing of jetting off to someplace fabulous at a moments notice. She is moving to Houston soon and it is hard to believe that only 6 years ago I was where she is, but with twice the fear and none of the travel. I don't want this to be all there is, I think I still have something left to prove.
Mycle is moving also, to Eugene, Oregon to hang out with his fabulous diva fiends and I am so jealous of everyone who still has somewhere to go. I am here, and I love it here, but I wish I had someplace to go. I am truly heartbroken that Mycle is going, mostly because he is one of those Very Good Friends (not the kind that will help you move, but the kind that will help you move a body) that are hard to find these days. I will miss him so much, but he needs to go to see what else there might be for him, since he is pushing the big 30 too and has never even really lived alone. I love him and want to be happy, I just wish he didn't have to go so far away from me to do it.
The other thing that is bothering me is that I have become the cat lady in my neighborhood now. You would thing that my single lonley middleaged mom would have earned that title, but no, it was me. My neighbor put out 3 kittens about a month ago that have been living under my house. I finally managed to catch them and brought them in and then I had 7 cats. I have managed to find homes for the 2 females but my son has gotten so attached to the sweet lil boy kitty that we are keeping him. His name is Tiger and he cries when we don't hold him. I will try to get some pics of him on the picture page soon.
Well, I guess I wrote more of a novel than an entry, but I never really update at home anymore because I never have the time or the privacy.
I gotta go tho, or this will take up the entire months worth of journal space
Ciao Bella!